Flubber and size 4 pants.

Well, I guess I had it coming, but I was still unprepared for the site of myself in full 360 degree mirrors in an exercise class today at the gym.  I had it pretty easy after my daughter was born, to clarify....I had a pretty easy time losing my baby weight after my daughter was born.  Everything else has been, well, pretty hard actually!  Anyway, breastfeeding was my friend, and by the time my daughter was nearing two I weighed less than I had since college.  I was exercising only sporadically (although we lived in a small town and walked most everywhere) and eating a ton.  My life felt tough, sleep was a fleeting memory, time alone? forget it!, so 'treating' myself with salty snacks and frozen yogurt, or whatever else I so desired felt well deserved.  I was thin, so I didn't really think much about it.  Occasionally I thought (being a long time gym junkie), "I wonder how rockin' I could get my body if I really worked at it now with my breastfeeding metabolism in full swing?"  I'd go for a few runs and a yoga class, then a few sleepless nights and hair pulling days would throw me back into the freezer for the Ben and Jerry's (actually it was Black Cherry Soy Creamy from Trader Joe's, but that sounds less cool).  But who cared? I was buying size 4 pants, who can argue with that?
Then life took me on a big detour.  In the fall, we moved from sunny Santa Barbara California to Portland Oregon.  I became totally dependent on my car, I wrapped myself in sweats and scarves and coats (and still froze), and I weaned my daughter (an experience that was harder on me than her!).  Fast forward 6 months and it is summer, well, Pacific Northwest summer anyway, so I get the box of summer clothes out of our attic and eagerly go through some of my beloved Santa Barbara clothes.  I am sure you can already see this coming...I kind of did too but I was naively hopeful....nothing fit!  Not even close!  I braved the scale to learn I had packed on almost 15 pounds over the winter.  And since I was not exercising at all they weren't just any 15 pounds (I wasn't much more than my pre-pregnancy weight), they were bumpy, doughy, jiggly fat pounds!  Ugh!
I guess my utopia of no effort and size 4 pants is at an end.  I'm back to my norm, where I must exercise and eat mostly healthy in order to be in the size I want and, more importantly, strong and healthy.  Here's what gets me the most about my new doughy body...regret.  What if I had worked out while nursing?  How skinny could I have gotten?  I worried now and then about what would happen when I weaned my daughter, why didn't I do anything about it?
Well, I didn't.  I spent 2 plus years spending almost 100% of my time with my daughter.  I am not going to regret that!  What I do regret is not taking action for myself before I managed to grow out of all my clothes.  But I didn't.  So now what?    Yes, it is a bummer than I now have 15 pounds of flab to turn to muscle, instead of starting from skinny and trying to stay there...but I can't go back and change it so to sit and dwell would be a waste of time. 
So...back to what I enjoy.  Training for a half marathon, exercise classes at the gym, and lifting weights so I have sculpted shoulders and arms.  My daughter is old enough to enjoy an hour or two a week in the kids room at the gym, and to learn by example about exercise and eating right. 
Do I miss my size 4 pants?  Heck yeah....but they'll be in the attic waiting for me...and I'll wear them again!

Out of sight, Out of mind??

When I picked up my daughter from her sitter yesterday I got "the vibe". You know, that feeling you get that you aren't doing as much as you could/should for your child? Whether "the vibe" actually comes from other people or from some place deep inside of yourself, as I suspect, it isn't a good feeling. I suddenly wondered, for the first time, if I ask enough questions about my daughter's day when I pick her up. I realized with a jolt, that as long as my daughter is alive, happy, and without injury I really don't care how the day went. Is that awful? Is that normal? Or am I a horrible parent, totally callous and disconnected from my child?
After the cold sweat went away I started to think about this. When I am not with my daughter, I don't spend my time away thinking about what she is doing. While some might see this as cold and disinterested, I would like to consider it balanced and healthy. I did a lot of work finding the right childcare situation for my daughter with someone that I completely trust. That time and work and research at the beginning pays off now, since I can leave my daughter with her caregiver without worry.

Still don't feel "parent-y"

We just moved to a new house and we've found ourselves smack in the middle of a GREAT block with a lot of families and kids in almost every house, we feel very lucky to have found a place where we can really see our daughter growing up.  So for the first time I am hanging with a group of Moms, Dads, and kids that range in age from 1 to 13.  A few days ago our 4 year old neighbor came into our house for a playdate with my 2 year old, and I was struck with a sudden insecurity.  What do I know about a four year old?  What is appropriate?  Do I need to make up some rules? What do I do if she breaks them?  Auuggghh!!  I am not old enough for this - I can't be responsible for children!!  Babies - OK.  Children - Yikes!!  Isn't there another adult in the room?
How can it be that I am almost 40, yet I don't feel old enough to be the adult responsible for a group of kids?  I am the youngest in my family - so I grew up without really being around kids younger than me.  Growing up I babysat a ton, and was a nanny for a few years during college - so when I was younger I had no problem taking care of kids.  Maybe as I've gotten older and wiser I've learned the myriad of ways you can mess kids up...so each interaction takes on a larger perspective?  Maybe as I've figured out just how much I don't know I've gotten less confident in my actual knowledge?
Whatever the cause, I somehow don't feel the parent role beyond being the mother of my daughter (which comes very naturally to me).  I know I can take care of kids and I am responsible, vigilant, and capable...but I don't feel the part of the "adult".  You know...the old person in the room with the eyes in the back of their head ready to bust you for any infraction.  I am sure kids see my age and would give me that authority and respect if I needed to command it....but I just still feel so young.  Does everyone?

Why can't I find the time to Blog?

I love to write, and I have plenty of witty and interesting things to say about being a Mom and trying to figure out this whole parenting gig (really), and I love to puruse other mommy bloggers out there.....but I just can't seem to find the time to get my views down on (virtual) paper, much less out there into the world.  As I browse some of my favorite mom blogs I marvel at how and when they manage to catalog the chaos and hilarity of their lives while simultaneously living them.  The other day when reading the bio of one of my favs it hit me.  I'm OLD!!!
I think one of the biggest blocks to me finding time to blog is that the computer is not engrained into my world the way it is for someone even 5 or 6 years younger than me.  Sure, I have used a computer as long as I can remember, but the computer still feels like a work tool to me, and all it's wonderful forms of electronic communication are still sort of secondary to a good old fashioned phone call or meeting for coffee.
It is crazy to think about (since I feel so young) the fact that when I graduated from college email was something the nerdy kids went to the computer lab to access.  The internet was just being invented.  I grew up using a computer to replace a typewriter and calculator....not a phone or photo album (or friends)....and certainly not to publish your diary to the world. 
In my life finding time to sit at my computer is a work task that most often falls too low on the priority list to get done on a daily basis.  I think most young people today have a different relationship with their laptop and it feels more fluid....like a tool that is beside them to help them through the day...instead of a distraction only to be used when everything else is done.
I think it is time for a new outlook!!

Winter body blues...or delayed postpartum body issues!

I have to admit, one of my favorite things about EBF was the result that it had on my body.  Basically for 2 years after my daughter was born I ate what I wanted, exercised sporadically, and ended up weighing less than I had in my whole adult life.  We are talking college weight - and I am almost 40!!
I knew in my head while this was going on that I needed to reign myself in.  I needed to start eating better, I needed to exercise.  I was "skinny flabby", I was wearing smaller and smaller sizes but I wasn't strong and I wasn't in shape - it wasn't pretty.  I allowed myself to get excited about the numbers on the scale and the baggy clothes and to feel like one of those girls who say "I just have a naturally high metabolism".   When in reality I have always been the opposite, I have to work out a lot to maintain a weight that I like and I have always felt I wanted to lose just 5 more pounds.
Well, my world of denial came crashing down hard this winter.  I moved from sunny Southern California where we lived in a small town and I walked almost everywhere (pushing a Bob stroller), to Oregon at the beginning of the long, cold, grey, rainy winter.  We dove right into the stress of house hunting, finding new childcare, meeting new people, and everything that comes with relocating right at the most tempting time of year...the holidays!
I had lived in Oregon before and knew it would be a challenge to be active in the winter, so as an incentive for me to work at keeping my new weight I gave away all of my clothes that were too big. I had been a size X for a long time, now I was easily in a size X-1 and was envisioning moving to X-2...so anything that was size X didn't get packed to make the trip.  I continued to enjoy the effect breastfeeding burning extra calories, and I always meant to start a regular exercise routine, but with a demanding toddler, a husband, and a work-from-home part-time job I never felt I could justify taking the time.
We each had a suitcase in Oregon for the time we would be house hunting, those clothes slowly started getting snug through the winter, but it didn't really hit me for a while.  Then, we bought and moved into our new house, we weaned our 2.5 year old daughter, and I finally unpacked all the clothes I had been longing for after 6 months with 3 pairs of pants and 6 shirts.  Well...NOTHING fits!!!  I can hardly get into any of my clothes, I have to totally sausage my legs into all my beloved designer jeans and the muffin top is unbearable.  Only one pair of pants, that I almost gave away but felt nostalgic about for some reason, fits well enough for me to want to wear in public - but they are far from comfortable, and the fact that they were super big on me 6 months ago makes me feel awful every time I suck it in to get them buttoned.
Ugh!  I'm fat and out of shape.  I feel like I have a six month old instead of a toddler.  I am at the point where I have to buy some new clothes or do a crash diet to get a jump start on some weight loss so I can wear at least 2 pairs of my pants.  My weight is not catastrophic...it is basically right at what my adult normal weight had been for all my years when I was in full swing with my career.  But it isn't where I am happy, it is where I feel just a smidge of discontent but not enough to push me away from the 10pm bowl of lucky charms before bed.  Now, however, after finally (finally!) getting to the numbers I wanted on the scale and chucking all my "fat" clothes I feel a huge sense of disappointment in myself.  Why am I always a "reactor"?  Why couldn't I have made smarter food choices and gotten myself to the gym when I only needed to maintain a weight that I loved?  Instead I stuck my head in the sand and ignored the signs along the way and ate my way out of all my clothes.
So...now what?  Diet and work out like a maniac and try to attain that "happy weight" again?  Or eat right and exercise enough and let my body find it's new normal...even if it means buying a few size X clothes again?
Honestly...I don't want to do either...I want to go back to nursing my daughter!

New Do (long overdue!)

I colored my hair today and felt human again.  Then I immediately felt like a total heel.  What am I, the vanity monster?  Thousands have lost everything in the past 10 days and I am in a funk because I have roots?  Yuck.

Taking care of yourself

Pregnancy is an interesting time in a woman's life. At no other time do so many people, strangers included, seem to feel they have a right to dictate what you do with your body.

Take care of yourself. That is the mantra. But we seem to have the wrong idea - when else in your life is "taking care" defined as putting your feet up, limiting physical activity, and eating whatever you please? Sounds like a recipe for disaster (or extreme weight gain) for healthy women in their 20's and 30's to me. Women "take care of themselves" and gain 50, 60, even 80 pounds and think it is just pregnancy and baby weight. Then kill themselves to lose it when the baby is born (many try to lose it in 3-4 months modeling after celebrities). Some find it too difficult to lose so they decide to try after baby #2, or baby #3...meanwhile the 30 extra pounds they need to shed is multiplied by 2 or 3. Why do we insist on this cycle? The celebrities that lose baby weight so quickly have one thing in common...they do not gain extra weight. This extra weight gained in pregnancy is not going to be any easier to shed post baby than any weight....and as women, we know how stubborn pounds can be! What we don't know - is how your body, if treated right, will gain just the amount needed for a baby in 9 months and then will shed those pounds (and possibly more) with ease in 9 months if you do what nature and your body intended for you to do when pregnant and for the first year of your baby's life. Why don't we do it? We've lost the information somehow. Why don't women from other cultures get fatter and fatter with each baby? Why didn't women of our grandparent's generation get fatter? This is a new phenomenon - and you have the power to change it in your life.